you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
