why do cheetos always look like penises
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
