My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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