this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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