I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
