he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
