I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
