my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
