Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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