Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
