I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
did you just send me my own nude
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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