I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
