I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
