I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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