I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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