I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just gift wrapped bread.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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