the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
