Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize