does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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