Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
