So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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