hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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