There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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