I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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