i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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