He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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