dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
