we're chasing vodka with high fives
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
