Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
