you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
