If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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