im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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