So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
