Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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