i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
