I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
