If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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