Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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