thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
