hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
