I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
