I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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