Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
