im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
