16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
