Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Anyone see the sob who took the piรฑata?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
