If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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