well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
