I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
