first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
