Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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