you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
