Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize