you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
